My new least favorite word, the park and other meandering thoughts

Buffering. Buffering…


Buffering is my new least favorite word. I don’t know if our internet provider has worsened or if my patience has gone on vacation, but I think if I see this word appear on my screen one more time, imma gonna scream like it’s 1999. Or screech like dial-up did back then.

Speaking of patience, the buffering messages come when I am doing something to avoid life as I know it. It’s not like there aren’t a million more productive or healthy things I could be doing, but I choose the Internet often as my escapism of choice. I know I’m not alone, heck, this is what has made the web what is has become. I’m not going to try to analyze that as it comes from without.

Within (me) is a combination of peace and turmoil. Like many others, I’ve been searching for work, for longer than I want to acknowledge. I know these things take time, but it’s rare for knowing to automatically lead to understanding and acceptance! Part of the trouble I have encountered is that many employers are not willing to look past a particular degree, see where skills are transferable and where someone who learns well can be taught anything. I don’t want someone to look at my CV and see only precisely what I have done to map out my professional future. If I had wanted to keep at that, I would have, you know? However, there are other goals I want to meet that a job in the same industry could provide…earning enough to be debt free soon, be able to go on vacations again, build real savings…to stop feeling haunted by money (the money I don’t have).  I was talking to a friend about this yesterday.  I had two similar jobs sent to me by two different recruiters and I responded. As of yesterday, I knew that one of the jobs was in the exact same field as my previous one but with higher pay and benefits. At first I was reluctant to respond, which sounds counter intuitive, but I’ve worked hard to get to this place where I’ve accepted that I am finished with nursing and will not panic and go back to it just for the sake of a job. I’ve done this over and over these last ten years, and don’t want that anymore. Then, I did a meditation on receptivity and a reading that encouraged welcoming everything that comes to you. So, I responded and felt like I was selling out. Back to the conversation with my friend- we had gone to a lovely show in the afternoon and then walked, chatted, sat, chatted for a good part of the evening in a really beautiful park. I told her how I was feeling and she asked why I felt like I would  be selling out, I explained. I also began speaking of the freedom it could give me, and my face was lit up. She pointed this out and asked a great question, what if I were to look at this opportunity as something I was choosing to help me achieve what I want, instead of seeing it as something I was being used for and “prostituting” myself for.  Everything shifted. Suddenly, I could see myself doing this job for me (and my husband, and our future children). I saw myself doing it as a stepping stone to what I want. How liberating! I am so grateful to her for the reminder that I am in control of the situation and that I can do this job because it means I will have the financial freedom I want (and the diminished stress as a result). I’ll be speaking to the recruiter in the morning and it may or may not go well. Either way, I feel empowered to go forward and do my best to get this job, or one similar because I choose it as a way of going forward. I don’t have to do it forever, I also don’t have to figure that out right now.

I release attachment to what may come and am grateful for the abundance in my life.

Next step, learn to see and acknowledge where actions that I’ve taken have led to positive things in my life too!




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